You know you’re in “heaven” when you are surrounded by shit you love; money, women, drugs, fast cars, fast food, a nice beach, or whatever your sweet tooth is. You know you’re in fucking “hell” when you are surrounded by shit you hate; horn honking traffic, screaming kids in a restaurant sitting right behind your booth, a subway train with a very long slow ride until the next station containing 3 dozen plus transients that are coughing and sneezing and you haven’t been sick in years, or you have a cheap cable TV service that only gets basic channels and every few minutes you must see Ellen Degeneres’s face somewhere. I’ll take fire and brimstone any time over that shit! Then comes into question “purgatory”, a place in between “heaven and hell”…aka-BUMFUCK anywhere! In my case Bumfuck, PA.
I was watching a documentary the other night on National Geographic as I lay dying from a splitting fucking migraine that made me feel like Tony Dogs from the movie Casino, the guy whom got his head put in the vice by Joe Pesci. I even though my fucking eye was going to shoot out of my fucking head at one point. Maybe I took a mini-stroke I thought or was going under because of my high blood pressure, who knows. But in between my “coherency”, I took in the films points and what was frightening to me was the fact that I actually related to the films stats about the perverse psychological effects of prisoners exposed to long-term solitary confinement. Prisoners in solitary confinement have short-term memory loss, anxiety, depression, headaches, and feelings of angst. They lose track of time and space, and cannot sleep at night among the many other physical and psychological ramifications of such torture.
I related because this winter I have been living in solitary confinement (aka - a Bumfuck, PA. Winter). Since November 15th 2010 I’ve been in doors more than 95% of the time because it is either constantly snowing, raining, or freezing cold out to the point where there is no rational reason to really go anywhere with nothing to do to stimulate my senses or even peek my interest. So everything those prisoners were feeling in solitary, I was feeling at home. I was under “House Arrest” without the fucking plastic ankle bracelet. Granted there is nothing to do in this fucking area regardless except wait for the Grim Reaper to come and take you away, but damn this shit was disturbing. This shit made me think, that not only was I stuck in Bumfuck, PA. but this shit was starting to turn into a “Bumfucking Orgy”; a scene from Caligula, but in the midst of emptiness. “HELLO, HELLo, HELlo, HEllo, Hello,……..” or “O’ HELL (Irish for I’m FUCKED).
This was the worst winter experience I ever had, a waking nightmare. Living in Bumfuck, PA. even in the summer can harm the most highest of rational people on Earth, forcing them to lose their cool and their minds. Living in Bumfuck is like staring in an episode of the Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits. Bumfuck is the type of place where you just suddenly find yourself in with no real memory as to how or why you got there. You can’t really Google map Bumfuck because the exact location in unknown, it lies in between the known world and the unknown realm…. a place where people feel compelled to avoid and leave shortly after arriving “there”. Bumfuck has no airports or major roads, although there are roads in and out of Bumfuck they are few and far between and very hard to find. Bumfuck makes you weary, and you can’t even get cell phone service to call for help. If you have a car, it is likely to either run out of gas or die in Bumfuck and you will never be able to find a gas station or mechanic to fill-up or fix the car in Bumfuck. Trust me my cell phone was down for months as is my fucking car!
Bumfuck is scary; this is a place where mullets, sundresses, and dirty bare feet never go out of style. Everyone in Bumfuck walks like they either have an Anal Fissure or are about to shit a Bezoar. Residents of Bumfuck have their own tongue, much of which you don’t understand and need one of those Universal Translators used on Star Trek or some shit like that to get a take on what the fuck is being said. Bumfuck is filled with “waving Willies” which are “residents” that are compelled to wave at anything or anybody that pass. There are fucking shitloads in Bumfuck. With all that fucking waving you can go through a tube of Ben Gay a week on your shoulder and forearm. I’m sure that shit hurts more than tennis elbow or getting hit in the funny bone with a crowbar. The only thing missing from the streets of Bumfuck are blowing tumbleweeds.
Bumfuckites are a proud people who come from a limited gene pool and almost all look and smell alike. They usually marry their cousins, step brothers, half-sisters, or another family member somewhat related and although most are married, they tend to have various kids with other spawn usually just refereed to as half-breed dipshits. Bumfuck usually has a local “ghetto” area where the Bumfuckites localize the town’s blacks and Hispanics. Bumfuckites are usually afraid to go to these places but if they must they usually go in a full Ford pick-up truck with tobacco spiting douchbags to raise hell while yelling, “You Some Bitch” which roughly translated means “You Son of a Bitch”. Then when the shit hits the fan Bumfuckites tend to raise their fists to fight but don’t know how too with an entire fight lasting 15 seconds at best after two swings and someone’s denim overalls get ripped. All the pedophiles in Bumfuck look the same, white male in the mid 30’s with dirty hair, wide-eyed, sporting a goatee.
Bumfuck is a place the Tooth Fairy fears to go to because she is guaranteed to lose money all around. And when she does come it is in a Brinks truck filled with cash and IOU’s because in Bumfuck people don’t lose a tooth, they lose half-their mouth. Bumfuckites pass their time by; picking scabs, drinking beer, fucking sheep, shooting dogs, searching the internet for child porn, and “bum rushing” the front door of the local Red Lobster @ 11am on a Sunday morning like there was not going to be anymore Sea Food on the planet come Monday morning 6am. Hell, they just renewed the next season of Deadliest Catch so WTF? If you stay in Bumfuck for too long you may be driven to the point where you want to eat a seven course meal of lead starting with a 22 caliber appetizer and finishing off with a 12 gauge buckshot dessert.
So yes, I can relate to the torment of solitary, Bumfuck, PA. and a bad winter you “Som Bitch”. Now kill me please!
UPDATE: Found a great hobby over the last year, protecting children and animal from abusive scabs and I’M LOVING IT! Always out and about! LMFAO!
© 2011 by layingdownthelawlessness. All rights reserved