As Mr. Spock would say……FASCINATING!
Ok, for starters freaky shit like this fascinates and intrigues me more so than an unknown alien life form resembling a large fried egg with the ability to communicate with humans telepathically fascinates Mr. Spock! Not to mention the fact that sometimes I get a good laugh out of the “bizarre” and then wrestle with the undeniable desire to ponder some serious, yet blunt questions about each “object of fascination”. My latest “re-fascination” comes with the recently re-watched show on the Learning Channel (TLC) about the Hensel twins; Abigail “Abby” Loraine Hensel and Brittany “Britty” Lee Hensel, which originally aired in 2006 and again in 2008. I caught up with the show again a couple days ago and was compelled to question the issues surrounding the two-headed twins lifestyle.
For those that don’t know about the Hensel’s, they are “dicephalic parapagus twins” which roughly translates to mean they are connected as conjoined twins via- one single symmetrical body that has two fully functional and sentient heads of roughly accurate proportion that are able to have their own thought process and communicate separately as such. Each twin controls ½ half of their body, operating one of the their arms and one of the legs. This obviously requires some serious bodily coordination and skill. Each twin is able to eat and write separately and simultaneously, while more physically strenuous activities must be symmetrically coordinated such as running, swimming, and get this, “kick me in the balls” believe it or not…driving! Can you believe that shit? This year the conjoined twins will be 21 years old on March 7th, 2011. Old enough to drink and get shit faced, or twice as shit faced in their case.
Yet, I must be honest and address some serious concerns about these conjoined twins and what they must face in life from this point on! So I’ve drafted the following series of questions that must be answered and addressed at some point and have even threw in some of my own answers and hints as to what I believe to be very interesting observations indeed.
Some say two heads are better than one, but what if you had to deal with this shit from day to day, would you feel the same? Not me dude!
1. Driving, if the twins drive and get pulled over by the police for a traffic violation who would get the summons(s) or would the cop freak the fuck out and just let them go? Hmmm?
2. Car Insurance, do the twins get a package deal on car insurance or are they considered two drivers and are their premiums higher than the norm? This could drive even the most seasoned insurance agent to hit the bottle hard. I would say they are very high-risk drivers, I know for a fact that I would not want them behind me anytime soon in a 3000 pound chunk of speeding steel and gas how about you? Not to mention the serious distraction it causes to look over and see one body with two heads speeding past you at 65 mph on a major highway. WTF? Can we say, “Oh shit….Jersey Barrier”?
3. Movie theaters, do you really want to be sitting in a theater waiting to see an incredible film you waited for months to see and then….BAM…”the heads” sit right down in front of you? Holy fucking shit….give me a refund! You could move, but after that there is no way your going to be able to concentrate on the film.
4. Dropping a “deuce” and ass wiping, if one has to drop a heavy deuce and the other one don’t how can you tell who needs to let go of the log? Then to make matters worse, who has to wipe? Some serious questions my friend!
5. DWI / DUI, lets say one of the twins had a little too much “rum cake” one night and had to drive home, which head is the designated driver and if they get pinched for DWI / DUI who goes to jail? It can’t be both because to arrest one that is innocent is a constitutional rights violation while the guilty party must go in to face the music. Even the Chief of Police in any department would find this a truly challenging police matter to deal with.
6. Amusement parks, if the twins go to an amusement park, do they have to give double tickets to go on rides or are the regular amount accepted? I must admit I would love to see them on a roller coaster!
7. Self defense, imagine you had to fight the twins in a Kumite to the death. Who do you hit first and if you knock out or kill one must you finish off the other head to win?
8. What if they were Porn Stars? Some guys would not mind getting blown by two chicks but in this seedy industry one can only imagine the possibilities with two heads. I can see some of the titles already; “Two Heads One Cock”. “OMG That’s Freaky”. “Deep Throats”. I’d actually pay a good deal to see a film with “the heads”.
9. What if the twins decided to go to the local pub for a few brews and one forgot their ID? Do they get in or is the bouncer going to say I need to see two ID’s before anyone gets in? I’m betting two ID’s.
10. Marriage, what if one gets married and the other head don’t could this be considered polygamy? And if during sex one head blows the husband, is the other forced to watch or joint in? Quite disturbing. Now, what if both get married and consummate their relationships and one husband don’t want the other sleeping with his wife, is that adultery or cheating or just “Christmas” for all? These are serious questions my friends, very serious.
11. Education, what if one wants to go to Harvard and the other to UCLA? Who gets to go to school and what about school loans? What if one fails out or gets expelled? What if they apply for the same school and only one gets in? See where I’m going with this?
12. If one gets sexually assaulted does the criminal when caught face one count of the crime or two? What if he doesn’t touch one head and only focuses on the other? This case could go to the U.S. Supreme Court and make a defense attorney a millionaire over night from publicity. What if the sex with one head was consensual and the other not? Would one head testify in favor of the defense while the other for the prosecution and you got to admit cross-examination would be fucking great!
13. Getting into beef’s with people. What if you get into a beef with one head and not the other and it gets physical? Do you just tag one head with a few shots while avoiding the body being it would not be fair to tag the one you don’t have an issue with right?
14. Snowball fights? I won’t expand more on this question because just those two words alone open up a plethora of doors on infinite visuals of fun.
So there you have it, something to ponder about when dealing with conjoined twins like the Hensel twins.
UPDATE: Just watched the show on the twins again….they seem to be doing well and low and behold one had even gotten engaged to be married! I don’t know which one but who cares they both got the same fucking body anyway!
UPDATE: 8-17-12. Just saw that a new TLC special is being produced on the two heads…it will air on TLC 9-28-12. Here is the link and it should be very interesting!
© 2011 by layingdownthelawlessness. All rights reserved